When I'm Gone
by Sonny Shotz
Summary: Heather reflects on her relationship with Justin and their kids.


"Come on baby. Walk to me. Here I am." I had my arms stretched out and I was sitting on the floor. "Come on, don't be scared."

My little baby girl was standing up and I tried to make her walk, but she had been standing for the last 15 minutes. Suddenly, she smiled at me and took two steps and fell on her butt. I smiled big and clapped my hands.

"Yay! Look at my girl walking!" I stood up and walked over to her and picked her up. "That's mama's girl." I said and kissed her on the forehead. "You are such a champion, you know that?" I said and kissed her nose. She laughed and put her hands on my face. "Let's go see what your brother is doing, okay?" I knew she didn't understand a word of what I said but I still loved talking to her.

I walked to the living room and saw Keaton playing on his Xbox. I swear, since I bought him this Xbox, it's all he has been doing. "Hello there."

"Hey, mom." He answered me while having his eyes focused on the screen. "Turn that off now, you've been playing that for 3 hours straight."

"No wait. I am just going to win this match and I will turn it off."

"Good. Cause we're going to grandmas in a couple of hours and you need to take shower and get dressed." I said and patted his back. Jasmine started making noises in my lap so I looked down and she stopped. I laughed and tickled her. This little girl loved attention, just like… her father. She was a perfect mix between me and Justin. She had gray eyes, dark hair, and a little nose just like Justin's. She even had Justin's smile.

I looked into her happy eyes and saw a part of Justin in her. Just like I did when I looked into Keaton's eyes. These two made me feel like Justin kind of never… passed away. They were just like him. I smiled down at my little girl and she giggled.

All of a sudden, tears started forming in my eyes. I don't know where it came from. I do this sometimes. Out of nowhere, I get emotional and start crying.

I miss him. It's almost been a year and I feel empty. It's like a part of me died with him. I will never love again, not the way I loved him. No man would ever take his place. I want him back. It would feel like I was cheating on him if I even looked at another man, because he still has my heart. I still love him; I am still in love with him.

Lindsay and my mother tried to set me up with this nice man a couple of months ago and it ended up with me throwing a fit and walking out of the restaurant we were in. I was embarrassed, but I couldn't control it.

A tear fell from my eye and Jasmine's face turned from happy to sad. I quickly whipped the tear of my face and fake smiled at her. She smiled back at me and slowly closed her eyes. 5 minutes later, she was fast asleep.

"I'm going to go put her to bed. When I am back down here, that game better be off."

"Okay, okay mom." Keaton answered and looked back at the game.

I stood up with her in my arms and started walking up the stairs. I walked into her nursery and laid her down in her cradle. I sat down on the couch in her nursery and put my head in my hands.

This was hard. I needed him.

Being a single mom was hard. It was hard giving them both my attention. I didn't want any of my kids feel like I didn't love them equally, because I did. Those two were the reason I woke up every day, the reason I dragged my ass too work every day, the reason I even found a meaning in life. Those two have made me strong. I am strong for them. My diamonds, my angles, my everything. Justin gave me these two wonderful children and I was more than thankful and happy. I just wished he was here with me too watch them grow.

One thing has made me have lots of sleepless nights and I have gone to a bunch of different therapists, but they just can't help me. I can't stop blaming myself for what happened.

That day in the car. When we crashed. I... we fought. We fought about... going to my parent's house. Our last time talking was in an argument and the reason we crashed was…because we argued.

I felt my eyes burn and tears started forming. I hate myself for that. I hate myself every day for being so overdramatic that night. I just… hate myself. I wish I just told him I loved him, how much I really loved him.

And he said he wanted another baby. He wanted one more child and I said no. A few weeks after his death, I found out I was pregnant. I just wished he was here with me to raise this one. I wished he was able to see this beautiful baby we made. To see her and hold her. But he wouldn't. He would never see his baby.

The tears were now pouring down my face and I just tilted my head back and let the tears fall. I've been holding this all in. I've tried to be strong for my kids but, it's hard. It's so hard. I am hurting.

I pray every day and night that he is in a good place. I know he is in a good place; he was an amazing person, partner, and friend. He was everything I could ask for and more.

The only thing I want is to have him back. To be in his arms, feel his gentle touch, his soft lips on mine, his relaxing scent. Everything. I wanted it all back.

This wasn't supposed to happen. He was supposed to be with me 'till the end. Him and me forever. He promised. We promised each other. I wanted us to have more children in the future, to watch them grow up, watch them graduate, get their own families. I wanted us to grow old together, watch our grandchildren play. I wanted it all. I wanted it all with him. He was my future.

The day when Keaton found out Justin passed away, he didn't talk. He wouldn't respond to me, my parents, and Justin's mother. Nobody. It hurt too see my baby like that. I wished I could do something, but couldn't. I couldn't do anything to stop the pain.

It's almost been a year that he passed and it hurts just as much as it did that day in the hospital. I just wish he was here.

I picked up a teddy bear that Justin bought Keaton and hugged it. It smelled like Justin and Jasmine wouldn't let it go. She hugged it every night when she slept. It was like she knew.

"Mom." I heard a small knock on the door and there stood Keaton with tears falling frown his eyes. He started walking towards me and sat down beside me and hugged me.

"Hey, hey sweetheart. Don't cry baby."

"I miss dad." He whispered and nuzzled his head in my neck and I felt his tears hit my skin.

I carried him up and walked out of the room. I sat down on the floor outside with him in my arms and rocked him from side to side. "I miss him too, baby."

"Why did he leave us?" He said and sobbed. My heart broke and the tears just continued falling from my eyes. "He didn't leave, baby. He will always be in our hearts. He is up there watching us, and he loves us. He loves you, he loves Jasmine, and he loves me. He is always close to us, just think of him and he will be here. In your heart." I said and pointed to his heart.

He grabbed my finger and grabbed my whole hand and just held it. "I love you, mom." He said and more tears were falling from his eyes. I was on the verge of breaking down. My son was hurting; he was hurting just as much as me and I couldn't take it.

"And I love you, dad." He said and closed his eyes. I put my hand around his back and hugged him tightly. "It will be okay, baby." We just stayed on the floor crying and I never let go of him.


End file.
